Survivors and Friends is a non-profit organization that was founded by annie, a Survivor of sexual abuse herself. Survivors and Friends exists to provide hope, encouragement, and support for survivors of sexual abuse, incest, and rape, and their friends and family.
Here you will find articles on sexual abuse, incest, rape, and on abuse recovery, which are written by other Survivors or the loved ones of Survivors. You will also find the Survivor's Community--a place where you can safely (and anonymously) talk with other Survivors who may have faced some of the same trials that you may be facing--or have faced in the past. We have forums for partners and parents of survivors as well. We hope that you will find this site helpful in the recovery process.
In the future, we hope to also provide some chat rooms for you to communicate with each other.
Remember, you are not alone.
Empower Yourself,
Casey
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Healing The Split
As sexual abuse survivors, we let the power of the group help us heal what we call “The Split.” The split is our tendency to disassociate from our bodies during the sexual act. The split is a psychological phenomenon. To survive the abuse, we suspend high above the experience. It is now scientifically proven that children who are being abused leave their bodies. Here are a few more terms for “The Split.”
· Disassociation
· Freezing or numbing emotions
· Blocking out periods of time
· An inability to live in the moment
· Anxiety attacks
From this impaired perspective, without the awareness that recovery brings, we are locked into self-destructive patterns. For example, we might project the experiences of victimization onto our sexual experience. Perhaps sex has become an act, or something we feel is expected of us. We learned from our perpetrators that we were expected to “produce” on demand, and that we didn’t have the right to say no.
Whatever our personal experiences might have been, as we participate in the recovery process, we learn that we do have the right to define our sexual experience in our own best interests. In the safety of our group, we will learn together how to make healthier choices with regards to our personal relationships and sexuality. We begin to set new boundaries, or choose a time of abstinence to allow ourselves to heal. By listening to other survivor’s stories, we have the opportunity to become whole, to heal the split. As Survivors In Recovery, we tell our stories as one of the methods of re-integration.
Those dark secrets that we kept buried deep within can come out. Once exposed to the sunlight of the spirit, our dark past becomes an asset that helps us bond with other survivors. We find new ways to experience our sexuality that empowers and is life-enhancing. We become whole.
Empower Yourself,
Casey
· Disassociation
· Freezing or numbing emotions
· Blocking out periods of time
· An inability to live in the moment
· Anxiety attacks
From this impaired perspective, without the awareness that recovery brings, we are locked into self-destructive patterns. For example, we might project the experiences of victimization onto our sexual experience. Perhaps sex has become an act, or something we feel is expected of us. We learned from our perpetrators that we were expected to “produce” on demand, and that we didn’t have the right to say no.
Whatever our personal experiences might have been, as we participate in the recovery process, we learn that we do have the right to define our sexual experience in our own best interests. In the safety of our group, we will learn together how to make healthier choices with regards to our personal relationships and sexuality. We begin to set new boundaries, or choose a time of abstinence to allow ourselves to heal. By listening to other survivor’s stories, we have the opportunity to become whole, to heal the split. As Survivors In Recovery, we tell our stories as one of the methods of re-integration.
Those dark secrets that we kept buried deep within can come out. Once exposed to the sunlight of the spirit, our dark past becomes an asset that helps us bond with other survivors. We find new ways to experience our sexuality that empowers and is life-enhancing. We become whole.
Empower Yourself,
Casey
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Sissy's Story
I never thought that I would do this. I mean i don't like to talk about what happened. I really have no-one to talk to.
I feel responsible for something that happened to my niece. She is my niece by marriage but still my niece. If i had been straonger then nothing would have happened to her. It's all my fault.
I guess you might want to hear the story first. Of course afterwards you'll know how come i feel this way.
When i was 8, my nightmare started. I was molested by my cousin. He is 8 years older than me, he was 16 when it started. At first it was just a touch here or there. Eventually it became more. He was always welcome in my home, which meant he basically had full access to me whenever he wanted. He would make me touch him and play with him. I hated it, I wanted to throw up. He would come to my room in the middle of the night. I was the only girl in my family, so i didn't share a room with anyone.
He molested for years. When i was 12, he decided that i needed to know how to have sex. He took my virginity one night. When i look back, i think how could I have been so stupid, I could've yelled. My parents would've heard or one of my brothers, but I didn't. He raped me that night and told me that he could have me anytime he wanted. I knew this was true. I hated being in the same room as any man or male. I thought I was going to die that night, it hurt so bad. He continued to rape me for 8 more years.
When i was 14, I met a wonderful guy, or so i thougt. I'll call him Tim. Tim was wonderful at first. He was a true friend. He finally asked me one night what was wrong. I told him about my cousin. He was so helpful, he told me anytime i needed him to call him and he would be there. We stayed close for 2 years. When i was 16, i thought about killing myself so my cousin couldn't hurt me anymore. He had started to rape me anally so that i wouldn't get pregnant. I thought the pain before was bad but it was nothing compared to being raped anally.
Tim was the there to talk to me and when he realized i wanted to kill myself, he told me I had to stand up to him. A few nights later my cousin came into my room and was going to rape me again. I had hide a knife and i told him if he came near me i would use it. I felt awful, I'd never threatened a another person before but I was happy I had did it.
I started dating Tim after another year. At first things were great. He treated me great. Then things started to change, at frist he would get jealous over nothing. Then the hitting and eventually he started to force himself on me if I said no. I eventually got strang, it took me 3 years to dump him but I did it and I was so happy. He stalked me and would threaten me but I didn't let him scare me. I stood up to him and it was then that I knew I'd be alright.
I know now your wondering how that has anything to do with my niece. Well my cousin tried to force himself on her. He touched her and made her really uncomfortable. I feel that if I had told someone then that would've never ahppened to her. What's even worse than that is that he lives with my brother and his wife. They have 2 small daughters, ages 5 and 1. I'm afraid for him to be there wioth them, but I'm even more more afraid that if i tell what happened to me, that no one will believe me.
I now have a wonderful husband that knows about the abuse. He was the one who told me what happened to my niece. At first he did't want anyone to tell me about it. When is een her for the first time after it happened I knew something was wrong. I asked her and she told me. When I started crying she had no idea that it was because i could've saved her that pain, but I was a coward.
Thank you for letting me tell my story. I would like to talk to someone. If you want to talk to me please e-mail me or im me. Thank you again.
Sissy
I feel responsible for something that happened to my niece. She is my niece by marriage but still my niece. If i had been straonger then nothing would have happened to her. It's all my fault.
I guess you might want to hear the story first. Of course afterwards you'll know how come i feel this way.
When i was 8, my nightmare started. I was molested by my cousin. He is 8 years older than me, he was 16 when it started. At first it was just a touch here or there. Eventually it became more. He was always welcome in my home, which meant he basically had full access to me whenever he wanted. He would make me touch him and play with him. I hated it, I wanted to throw up. He would come to my room in the middle of the night. I was the only girl in my family, so i didn't share a room with anyone.
He molested for years. When i was 12, he decided that i needed to know how to have sex. He took my virginity one night. When i look back, i think how could I have been so stupid, I could've yelled. My parents would've heard or one of my brothers, but I didn't. He raped me that night and told me that he could have me anytime he wanted. I knew this was true. I hated being in the same room as any man or male. I thought I was going to die that night, it hurt so bad. He continued to rape me for 8 more years.
When i was 14, I met a wonderful guy, or so i thougt. I'll call him Tim. Tim was wonderful at first. He was a true friend. He finally asked me one night what was wrong. I told him about my cousin. He was so helpful, he told me anytime i needed him to call him and he would be there. We stayed close for 2 years. When i was 16, i thought about killing myself so my cousin couldn't hurt me anymore. He had started to rape me anally so that i wouldn't get pregnant. I thought the pain before was bad but it was nothing compared to being raped anally.
Tim was the there to talk to me and when he realized i wanted to kill myself, he told me I had to stand up to him. A few nights later my cousin came into my room and was going to rape me again. I had hide a knife and i told him if he came near me i would use it. I felt awful, I'd never threatened a another person before but I was happy I had did it.
I started dating Tim after another year. At first things were great. He treated me great. Then things started to change, at frist he would get jealous over nothing. Then the hitting and eventually he started to force himself on me if I said no. I eventually got strang, it took me 3 years to dump him but I did it and I was so happy. He stalked me and would threaten me but I didn't let him scare me. I stood up to him and it was then that I knew I'd be alright.
I know now your wondering how that has anything to do with my niece. Well my cousin tried to force himself on her. He touched her and made her really uncomfortable. I feel that if I had told someone then that would've never ahppened to her. What's even worse than that is that he lives with my brother and his wife. They have 2 small daughters, ages 5 and 1. I'm afraid for him to be there wioth them, but I'm even more more afraid that if i tell what happened to me, that no one will believe me.
I now have a wonderful husband that knows about the abuse. He was the one who told me what happened to my niece. At first he did't want anyone to tell me about it. When is een her for the first time after it happened I knew something was wrong. I asked her and she told me. When I started crying she had no idea that it was because i could've saved her that pain, but I was a coward.
Thank you for letting me tell my story. I would like to talk to someone. If you want to talk to me please e-mail me or im me. Thank you again.
Sissy
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Your Profile
We as sexual abuse survivors are a group of individuals who have had their ability to enjoy sexuality as a sacred, life-enhancing experience violated as a result of sexual abuse.We believe that sexual abuse encompasses a broad range of experiences, and while some might have been subtle, some were all-too graphic. Yet, in each experience, no matter what end of the continuum our experience falls upon, our core personal integrity was violated. A shattering of our worth, our dignity and self-esteem occurred.As a sexual abuse survivor, you can overcome! Isn't that exciting news? How does overcoming work? For starters, God promises us that when we come to Him, we get a brand new beginning. In Jesus Christ, we become new creations! 2 Corinthians 5:17 says, "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" The Word of God says in Jesus Christ we are overcomers: "Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good" (Romans 12:21). God has already done the work for us, and He loves us just as we are.
Empower Yourself,
Casey
Empower Yourself,
Casey
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
I Am A Survivor!!!!!!!!
I am a 44 year old survivor of childhood sexual abuse. I have lived with this fact for years. I hid it from everyone, and tried so hard to hide it from myself. It had been eating my soul away, piece by piece. Half of my life has vanished, unnoticed, unseen. Too difficult for me to sit down or slow down to put my struggles to journal form. I am ready now. I no longer carry the load of shame. This is saved for my abuser. It is his turn. I choose to take life on, instead of fearing it. I choose to use my voice to educate society, that child abuse happens.
I speak for the abuse survivors who have been abused."You are forgiven, beautiful little girl, for all of the things that hurt you and scared you. You are forgiven, young and blossoming lady, for holding yourself back in fear and for numbing your pain. You are forgiven, struggling mother, for missing the mark of perfection you had been blindly leaping at. You are forgiven for the wounds you never realized you were making on yourself.
If the need or void is not dealt with proactively, the abuse often survives in the survivor. Shadows of the abuse live on in various forms, because the abuse victim looks for satisfaction in the wrong ways or places. Having never known genuine love, the abuse survivor can only imitate love in return. It does get better.
Empower Yourself,
Casey
I speak for the abuse survivors who have been abused."You are forgiven, beautiful little girl, for all of the things that hurt you and scared you. You are forgiven, young and blossoming lady, for holding yourself back in fear and for numbing your pain. You are forgiven, struggling mother, for missing the mark of perfection you had been blindly leaping at. You are forgiven for the wounds you never realized you were making on yourself.
If the need or void is not dealt with proactively, the abuse often survives in the survivor. Shadows of the abuse live on in various forms, because the abuse victim looks for satisfaction in the wrong ways or places. Having never known genuine love, the abuse survivor can only imitate love in return. It does get better.
Empower Yourself,
Casey
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Examine The Past
Examine your past, with a trained professional, if possible. Look at how you coped with the abuse while it was occurring.
What were your thoughts? Did you feel anger, hatred, or melancholy?
Did you blame yourself or perhaps feel guilty (or unclean)?
Did you turn inward, living in your own world?
Did you tell someone? Did that person ignore you?
Did you ignore the abuse and hope it would go away?
Did you pray to God and ask Him to intercede, but the abuse continued?
How did you feel about yourself? About others? Were there trust issues? If so, with whom?
Were there problems with authority?
Were you distant and aloof, perhaps shy - struggling to communicate like other children?
Or did you hide by being outgoing when you were really in a state of denial? Maybe you were afraid to turn inward and deal with the onslaught of feelings and thoughts. Maybe you just didn't know what to do or how you felt.
Empower Yourself,
Casey
What were your thoughts? Did you feel anger, hatred, or melancholy?
Did you blame yourself or perhaps feel guilty (or unclean)?
Did you turn inward, living in your own world?
Did you tell someone? Did that person ignore you?
Did you ignore the abuse and hope it would go away?
Did you pray to God and ask Him to intercede, but the abuse continued?
How did you feel about yourself? About others? Were there trust issues? If so, with whom?
Were there problems with authority?
Were you distant and aloof, perhaps shy - struggling to communicate like other children?
Or did you hide by being outgoing when you were really in a state of denial? Maybe you were afraid to turn inward and deal with the onslaught of feelings and thoughts. Maybe you just didn't know what to do or how you felt.
Empower Yourself,
Casey
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Beginning The Process
Reading about abuse survival is a helpful and gentle way for you to begin to explore your own experience. Here are some books you can read, Soul Survivors by J. Patrick Gannon, Ph.D.; The Courage to Heal: A Guide for Women Survivors of Child Abuse by Bassie and Davis; There is a Way Out by Richard Yao.
Self Help Groups are a good place to start and provide a good support system for someone going through the self exploration process involved in recovery.
Counseling may be a more comfortable mode for you to explore the past. A counselor can lead you through the fear, pain and confusion of your abusive experience and guide you supportively along the path of recovery.
A big part of my healing from child sexual abuse was to shift my thinking about myself and how I viewed the world. It was extremely difficult because I had been brainwashed as a young child to believe that I was only allowed to act and think in a certain way.
Empower Yourself,
Casey
Self Help Groups are a good place to start and provide a good support system for someone going through the self exploration process involved in recovery.
Counseling may be a more comfortable mode for you to explore the past. A counselor can lead you through the fear, pain and confusion of your abusive experience and guide you supportively along the path of recovery.
A big part of my healing from child sexual abuse was to shift my thinking about myself and how I viewed the world. It was extremely difficult because I had been brainwashed as a young child to believe that I was only allowed to act and think in a certain way.
Empower Yourself,
Casey
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